Its amazing really, how we indulge ourselves in our civilization, our music, Ipods, we are on the information age, exchanging information left and right, meeting people from all over the world, I mean… you guys are reading a blog from a Venezuelan and I dont even know where my readers are from…
Why is it then, that in this day and age its so hard to communicate asertively and efectively with others?.
I wish I had the answer, but seeing as that´s not coming anytime soon, lets talk about the solution!…
Have you ever fought with a player or a GM?, come ooooon, be honest… there must have been a few times when you felt that heavy feeling in the stomach of being upset, differences and fights are part of our daily life, remember as a kid when they taught you something in school and then when you got home your parents told you that it wasn’t like that at all?, ah I knew you would…
So how do we deal with the differences?, we could kill everyone that doesnt think like us, but it seems like some people wrote something pretty cool called the human rights, so thats not an option anymore… so instead, lets try and understand each other´s points of view…
Feedback is the act of giving back, returning, and in doing so producing a change, when you say something to someone and that persons just stands stills, doesnt look at you, or keeps doing whatever he or she was doing… do you feel like you conveyed your message?, no, why?, because there is no feedback, in stopping the activiy, looking at you or just nodding the person has just given a feedback, letting you know that he payed attention to what you have to say.
Is every feedback good feedback?… nope… just like not every cheeseburger is a good cheeseburger.
For example, before starting a game I like to write a social contract, a common set of rules we as players should abide to, one of the rules is that if you are playing (that means, your character is actively involved in a scene) no distractions are allowed (Handheld consoles, internet browsing, etc, etc, etc) otherwise if you are not involved its fair game, this one time one of my players was playing with a handheld console, I call for him becuase its his turn, the guy sits down the handheld in hand, one of my players raises up and says “No handhelds on the table, its a social contract” the other one replies “so what?!”, it wasn’t until we pressured him further that he put down the bloody thing… the next day he comes right of the blue and tells me that he found the last session boring, after talking to him for a while I realized that we had a difference in opinion, as far as he was concerned, GM should provide entertainment for the group, my perception is that the group provides entertainment for itself, that I as a GM am a facilitator whose job is to makes thing go smoothly.
So we talked for a while, ironed things out and I invited him to be proactive, if a scene was boring for him it was his job to change it (the others players were really enjoying the drama by the way), I would help in any way I could but in the end it was his responsibility, no more problems like that have aroused, and it could all have been solved that same night if he would have told the group how he felt in the first place.
Guidelines for a good feedback:
- Never use “but” as a word it invalidates what it came before.
Wrong: I liked the session but the combat was too long.
Right: I like the session, the combat was too long, I would like to speed things up next time.
- Always speak in singular, about yourself, your position, your thoughts and your feelings.
Wrong: We wanted to kill the governor and you didn’t let us!.
Right: I really wanted to kill the governor.
- Never insult.
Wrong: of course you dont get it, you are an idiot.
Right: Ok, what is it exactly that you did not understand so I can explain it with other words.
- Dont interpret or presuppose, speak only of behaviors and observations.
Wrong: Of course you are not gonna let the governor die, hes your pet npc…
Right: When the governor escaped throught the tunnels when we had them riggeds with traps I felt really upset, it didnt seem a fair call to me.
On that same token, GM you have to be crystal clear with your players, you are sitting on the other side of the screen because people trust you with their time, if you did handwave the escape of the governor dont be afraid to admit it “I handweaved the escape because I wanted to use him for another plot” and also be ready to offer a solution “how about I give you guys and extra reward for it and the promise that you´ll eventually get to kick the crap out of the guy?” (even better: if you tell them right on the spot that you would like to use the governor for another story and that you would like some help in thinking another way around it, they can come up with something you didn’t thought of) I assure you that your players will respect a thousand times more if you are honest with them.
Anatomy of a good feedback
social engineers have come with this formula:
Name of target + Witnessed behavior + state of mind and emotion of speaker when behavior occurs + alternative/future pacing.
“Adam, when you let the governor escape throught the tunnels after we had rigged them with traps I felt like it was an unfair call for me and it made me feel upset, in the future I would like you to let us take him down”
“Sarah, when you killed the town guard without provocation it made me feel very unconfortable as a GM, in the future could you be a little less agressive?”
In both cases you are speaking from youself, about what you feel and how you perceive the world, no sane person would argue against a subjective experience like that, Adam and Sarah may take the advice or they may not, but at least you are giving them something to think about “oh this person feels this way when I do this… I get it” social awareness 
Words to erase from your dictionary
I dont want to finish my thoughts on feedback without telling you first that there are two word you have to get rid of right now!… put one of this little fuckers and your whole communication system goes down the drain, “right” and “wrong”.
Let me start by saying that Im a catholic born turned atheist, I beleive in god as an inner force, and I make this notation because right and wrong are terms directly tied to morality which is in itself part political awarenes, part religion.
Right and Wrong are subjective terms, just like good or bad, they are dependent on culture, religion, upbringing and innate characteristics, something which might seem wrong to me is perfectly fine to my brother, by calling something right or wrong you are judging it under your own system of beliefs, you are imposing your own view of the world on another person, that is the closest thing to an agression without getting physical, so always keep in mind that when you say “this is wrong” always add “to me” at the end, Im not asking you to accep it and embrace it, just understand that if you dislike something its your choice and your opinion.
